I finally made Captain on the first of this month.
Being worthy of the red helmet has been my dream since I joined the fire service almost eight years ago.
I didn’t just want the title. The title by itself means nothing. I wanted the knowledge, experience, and know-how that precedes it. I wanted to be the guy people look to when shit goes sideways.
When I made Lieutenant, I wasn’t very confident as an officer yet. I definitely struggled with some imposter syndrome.
This time though? I’ve felt ready for it for a while now. I proved myself to myself, and earned every step.
While I’m confident at scene, and stand by my decisions, there’s still that doubt in the back of my head when I’m replaying the day in my bunk at night.
I wonder if I’m kidding myself. Am I delusional in thinking my people really trust me to lead them? Would I even know?
Then I overheard my Engineer telling war stories yesterday to the greenhorns.
He told them about the first REAL stand up firefight he was ever in, and I happened to be the one to leading em.
“I was shitting myself and he was completely unphased! Like it was no big deal” He told them.
I remembered the incident he was referring too. I really DIDN’T think it was a big deal. I wasn’t putting on a show. Just handling business. I didn’t realize at the time HE was so worried though.
He continued and told them that from that day on, when he starts getting nervous on the line, he looks for me. Doesn’t need me to say or do anything in particular. Just see me. And as long as I’m calm, he stops worrying.
I choked up from the other room as it hit me…
I AM in fact the man I set out to become.
It’s a profound honor, and privilege to have earned that kind of trust. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Sacred even. And I aim to treat that responsibility accordingly.
This isn’t the end of my odyssey though. This is the beginning.
I expect it to be a helluva journey.
Stick around and sort through it with me.
Heathen Fireman 